


I Leave All My Worries Here

by nikatsu



Category: Veronica Mars (Movie 2014), Veronica Mars (TV), Veronica Mars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 20:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3147230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikatsu/pseuds/nikatsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>They’d been radio silent for nine years before getting back together. And yes, a hundred and eighty days is nothing compared to the thousands before but it's still a lot to bear. Especially now.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>or the fic where Logan ends up still in active duty once Christmas rolls around and all Veronica can think of (among other things) is wanting him home. Set Post-Movie and TDTL.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Leave All My Worries Here

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bigappleelephant](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigappleelephant/gifts).



> For **bigappleelephant** from Tumblr!
> 
> It took me ages to finish this but hopefully you enjoy this just as I did writing it. I'd like to give my love and warm thanks StarLightAfterAStorm for this fantastic challenge (and for the extension!), and also [OldLace](http://archiveofourown.org/users/OldLace) and [BryroseA](http://archiveofourown.org/users/BryroseA) for not only their stellar beta work but also their encouraging comments in the process of my writing this fic. I added another thousand words after their last beta, so any mistakes are my own.
> 
> The prompt I chose to work on is an angsty "Logan is ends up stuck on active duty. What does V do and how does Christmas come together when all she can think about is wanting him home?" with a little bit of Hunter thrown in and inspired by the song "Lullabies" by Yuna. I know it's not Christmas anymore but hey, the holiday doesn't end until the decorations are packed away, right?

_Neptune sits on a Hellmouth._ It’s a fact that Veronica thinks should be universally acknowledged. Because nothing good ever stays good in the little beach town she’s still secretly wary to call home. Because everything worthy of happiness she has here could very well end tomorrow—with an ashtray to the head, a bullet through a window or…

“She asked for a divorce.”

Veronica’s mouth opens but she can’t formulate a response. Instead, she stays silent while Eli Navarro stares at her bleakly from her father’s couch.

He looks much more like he did back when they were in high school, with the leather PCHer jacket back on his shoulders and the motorcycle parked askew in her father’s driveway. She doesn’t think she could say anything about his marriage. Its very existence in itself still floors her most days, not because Veronica doesn’t think Eli deserves a wife and kid, but because she didn’t think he’d find them here in Neptune. Where all things good turn downhill very, very quick. _Even at Christmas._

 _And that’s not likely to change any time soon_ , she thinks grimly; shifting in her seat as she tries to formulate a response to this sudden news. She doesn’t know when and how personal news like this became something Eli thought he’d share freely to her. She can’t remember any time she’d given anyone the notion to think that they could, save for her father, Wallace and _of course_ , Logan, but Veronica wasn’t about to argue with its sudden presence now that _things_ have happened. After the Spring Break case and other incompetent police handlings she’s witnessed since coming back, Veronica knows better than to reject a good thing when it comes around.

 _Eli readily giving up information—personal, though it may be—will come in handy one of these days_ , she muses, looking at her friend straight in the eye, _it’ll make MI’s  job easier when we have PCHers by our side._

“Did she tell you why?”

Veronica knows it’s a dumb question. But she has to ask or else she’ll start to think about other good things that could go sour—like her father’s health, or Mars Investigations, or Logan out in the middle of—

But Eli answers anyway, his tone softer now than she expects it to be. “She says me being back with the boys won’t be good for our little girl. She says Valentina needs a good example to look up to not a—”

He stops to take a deep breath, the expression on his face reminding her of Keith’s own disheartened look. The one that spoke of quiet disappointment and concern for _her,_ a loved one, but is unable to do anything about it. Veronica can clearly see the distress in his features and thinks that it makes him older than he should be. Briefly she wonders if the same could be said of her as well.

“She don’t mean it though. I know Jade. She’s worried as she should be. Hell, I am too but a man’s gotta take care of his family any way he can right?”

“But divorce is a little extreme, don’t you think?”

Eli shrugs in a defeated manner. “Desperate times…”

“I’m so—” He cuts her off before she can finish the apology, “Don’t you start, V. Unless you want me to ask you uncomfortable questions about your relationship with a certain _pendejo_ out in the middle of the Pacific ocean then I don’t think you should talk about where my marriage is going. I knew what I was getting into when I called up Hector and the boys. I’m not going to back out now that I’m in. You and I know that’s not my style.”

His use of the word ‘my’ clings to the air and Veronica knows he doesn’t really mean that about himself alone. Neither of them is particularly good at letting things go and if getting back into the saddle by becoming leader of Neptune’s notorious motorcycle gang or the blonde bane of the Sheriff’s existence means bringing justice to the victims of the corrupt, then so be it— _collateral damage be damned._

Veronica bites her lip at the thought. She knows well enough that the damage revenge brings can be irreparable, but nothing she can say would mean squat compared to the bigger issues at hand. She knows the score. They both do.

“Still—”

He cuts her off again and this time she wishes she had kept her mouth shut.

“The six months are up. Where the hell’s your boy?”

Veronica tries not to feel the dread and sudden burning anger the question brings, she really does, but even badass chicks have soft spots and Logan Echolls has always been hers. It irks her that the people in her life still seem to use this knowledge against her. As if she is some child to be scolded for playing in the sandbox for too long and dirtying her shoes.

“You know…” she tells him, in a tone softer than she intends it to be but nonetheless containing her silent fury, “He’s out in the Pacific, doing maneuvers, etcetera, etcetera. I am on a strictly need-to-know basis with the US Navy, and _really_ Wiki can only go so far.”

“He going to miss Christmas?”

Veronica shrugs and it shouldn’t be the saddest gesture in the world but it is.

“I don’t know. He’s going to confirm tonight,” she says, affecting nonchalance and _God, why was she even telling him this_ , “not that it’s any of your business.”

The biker nods, less hostile now that she’s shown a little of her vulnerability but even she’s not blind to hidden uncertainty there. Whether the doubt was for her relationship with Logan or her questionable sanity (she did leave New York for _Neptune_ —the Hellmouth—after all), Veronica isn’t entirely sure. But angry- _PCHer-leader_ -Weevil is also grown-up- _married_ -Weevil these days and knows better when to not say anything.

Who knew Neptune High could produce an actual grown up? Clearly Eli was ahead of her in more ways than one.

“Anyway, my brother will be here tomorrow and I have to set up before he arrives.” Veronica winces slightly when she turns to look at him, recalling the piece of news he shared just minutes ago. “I’m sorry, about Jade.”

“Yeah,” he sighs loudly, bracing his hands over his knees before standing up straight. “Got dinner at _mi abuela_ ’s tonight with my girls. They’re heading off early to Florida for Christmas with Jade’s family.”

Veronica doesn’t ask if he’ll go as well. It doesn’t feel right to do so. And whether he meant to acknowledge her sentiment or not, Eli doesn’t let her know. Instead his mask is back on and hardened, ready for battle. He would look almost menacing, with his shoulders back and his spine straight, if not for the tiny gleam of sadness and resignation in his eyes.

It is a look she knows all too well, having seen it in on her own face and on the faces of everyone else she loves one too many times. A sorrowfully proud look that says ‘ _I am strong; don’t tell me otherwise or I might just break_ ’ and Veronica knows it’d be pointless to argue with that pride.

God knows she has enough of it herself to sympathize with someone cut from the same stubborn cloth.

“I’ll call you when Dad and I find something. For now, keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. I feel like the town is a lot safer with you at the forefront of the PCHers.”

Eli lets out a short laugh; it sounds more pained than amused but it isn’t any less true. He grips his helmet tighter in his hand and makes for the door, responding just before it shuts behind him.

“Don’t I know it.”

 

* * *

 

She stays in the living room hours after Eli leaves, turning the news of his divorce over and over in her head. Veronica doesn’t know Jade that well but she remembers her giving a better first impression than most people give. She doesn’t think of herself as a romantic (anymore, not since Lilly) but she finds herself worrying that _if Eli and Jade—an actual functional couple—couldn’t survive the hell of Neptune, then how could—_

“No, come on, Veronica, don’t think that.” She chastises herself, shaking her head in an effort to rid of the idea.

Because she loves Logan and just because one of her friends’ marriage is falling apart doesn’t mean that her relationship won’t work out. Eli and Jade might have had more problems under the surface even before everything… _right?_

Veronica stops short. “Good God. Are you really going to psychoanalyze someone’s marriage?” she scoffs at herself, standing up and heading to the kitchen. She busies herself with pulling out pots and pans and arranging them again into the cupboards. Once she’s done with that Veronica turns to another cabinet and starts organizing it as well, working her hands to distract herself from letting her mind wander towards the worst possible case scenario of…

She can practically hear Logan snickering in her ear when she realizes she’s gone back to the first cabinet and is rearranging the pots… _again_.

_Isn’t overthinking kinda your thing, Ronnie?_

The thought shouldn’t sound so much Logan but it does and _God help her_ it makes her start to feel a little weak in the knees.

Because she knows it isn’t Logan that’s she’s having hard time dealing with; but the separation from him and what it means to their relationship that eats her away. The hundred and eighty days of not-knowing, _not-touching,_ doesn’t sit well with her and what more when he does come back and then go away again?

They’d been radio silent for nine years before getting back together. And yes, a hundred and eighty days is nothing compared to the thousands before but it _is_ still a lot to bear. _Especially now_.

“Are you feeling sick, honey?”

Her father’s snaps her out of her reverie, stepping around her to get to the refrigerator. Veronica gives him a little smile when he drops a kiss on the top of her head, “You look a little pale.”

She shakes her head, shrugging as she straightens, wiping her palms at the back of his jeans before facing Keith fully. She tries for a wide smile but only manages half, and Veronica knows she’s in for it if she doesn’t sound casual enough.

“Just freaking out a little with planning what to do once Hunter gets here. I’m not sure if he’d want peanut or chocolate chip and I had myself a little panic attack when I couldn’t remember if he was allergic to either one or not.”

Keith narrows his eyes at her, “Eli dropped by the office before I left today and told me he’d updated you everything he’d found out from some of the other victims of Lamb’s incompetency. I didn’t think they were any worse than what we already knew but I’m going to take a guess and say that Dan‘s stupidity isn’t what’s on your mind…”

He lays a hand on Veronica’s shoulder and squeezes, “You can tell me anything, you know that right?”

“I know.” She nods, patting his hand.

“Even if it’s about Logan.” Keith adds, trying not to look uncomfortable at the prospect of having to discuss his daughter’s boyfriend—the one he never really could get a read over a decade ago. “I know you miss him… but honey, he’s going to come back.”

It’s feels a little like accomplishment when she hears those words from her father’s lips and Veronica can’t help but lean over and peck his cheek affectionately.

“Thanks, Dad,” she says, appreciatively, and means it because she understand that he’s only saying these things to make her feel better and that he loves her, his darling daughter, even when he still isn’t so sure of the why and how of her and Logan now.

And when she starts asking if the bakery over at Lemmons’ Street was still open in the evenings so she can get a pound of chocolate chips to bake, Veronica hopes that her father knows that the discussion is over.

 

* * *

 

Logan calls just as she pulls a tray of chocolate chip cookies for Hunter out of the oven. Veronica looks at her watch and tries not to frown when she clicks to accept the call. He is later than usual; it is closer to midnight than to the nine they’d mutually agreed upon after their first Skype date almost eight and a half months prior. He’s almost never late when he says he’ll be on, and  the few times that he was, he’d always told her long before hand.

 _Training went on late, maybe?_ She tries to guess, attempting to squash the queasy feeling in her stomach before her mind decides to go on overdrive and think of worse scenarios. _Got pushed off the Skype call list because of unbecoming behavior? Buttons went on too long with his call like last time?_

Her father is already sleeping in his room, conked out on the pain meds his doctor still has him on after Keith made an exuberant leap to tackle a bail jumper whose case he took without her knowing. She has her own place but once she found out about him throwing his hip (just as he’s finally fully stopped using his cane), Veronica took it upon herself to get him to rest as much as possible after every work day. He’s usually still up whenever Logan calls on the nights she sleeps over, nodding in greeting as he none-too-subtly checks up on her in the guest bedroom she’s claimed as her own since coming back. Veronica makes Keith take his pills in front of her every night, making sure they go down into his system and not spit out like he had tried his first night back.

Neither of them like having to depend on medication to feel better—it brings up _~~Lianne~~_ buried issuesboth would rather not discuss—but Veronica would rather see her father resting with the help of the drugs than to see him in any more pain. Plus the meds make him a little loopy which makes for great entertainment—the kind she’s almost too happy to tell him about the next day.

Her video feed finally connects a full minute later and it takes every bit of her control not to reach out when Logan’s smile widens at her pixelated image. “Hi, Bobcat,” he says, his tone unnecessarily low and husky. Logan leans closer to the screen, giving her a look that sends a shiver down her spine and  Veronica forgets about her father and how he’s only a few doors away and seriously contemplates taking her shirt off _slo-o-wly_ in response.

She doesn’t in the end ( _maybe next time_ ) but Veronica does grin back happily instead, opting for a little wave as she leans over the kitchen counter.

“Hey, sailor.” Her head tilts as her eyes move over his face, trying to catch and memorize each ~~new, old~~ tick and failing due to the inconvenience of a less than ideal internet connection, “You’re later than usual.”

It’s meant to be a statement of fact but somehow it feels weighted and Logan notices. He sighs inaudibly, looking down and away for a moment before turning back at her. And Veronica _knows_ she’s about to hear news she could probably live without. Because Logan Echolls does not turn his gaze away from her unless he absolutely has to, and the times he has have always left her reeling.

“Buttons—you remember Buttons, right? My wizzo, Michael DeLuca? Anyway he and I were called in by our commanding officer for an emergency brief and…” He trails off and Veronica feels her heart start to drop into her stomach. She hears him sigh this time, sadness overtaking his features the way she suspects it has hers as his eyes stare (as best they can through a screen) straight at her.

“How long?” she asks steadily, blinking back tears before they fully form. 

Logan keeps staring at her, unconvinced by her attempt at nonchalance but thankfully knows her well enough not to say anything. He answers honestly instead, keeping his voice light, “They need us to stay for at least another week.”

“Another week?” Veronica repeats, unable to control herself from making a disappointed noise. “Christmas is in two days, Logan.”

“I know, baby.”

Logan doesn’t bat an eyelash but the apology is there, shining in his eyes and mingling with a sliver of frustration. And while she tries to be understanding, _to be mature and grown-up_ , Veronica feels some abstract form of fury start to slither through her veins.

It’s a topic they’d glossed over when he first told her about a possible month-long extension in his deployment. Then again for the second and again for the third, the argument brewing steadily behind tight smiles and silent apologies. She doesn’t know a lot about the US Navy; her internet research could only really dip shallowly into the deep pool of information that she still doesn’t entirely comprehend. Whatever bits and pieces she gets from Logan are limited to the fifteen to twenty minutes he can spare her.

“You said a _hundred and eighty days_ , Lieutenant. You are officially 98 days overdue.”

“Veronica,” Now the exasperation is there and Veronica bites back from saying his name in the same manner. “I’m not happy about this either but I told you that this could happen at any given time. I’m not deliberately away for Christmas because I want to be. You know I’d do anything to be with you right now.”

He’s right, she knows it, but she can’t stop feeling the weight on her chest pressing heavier and heavier. Her eyes start to water as her airways tighten and for a moment, Veronica feels like laughing at the dramatic timing of a sob lodging itself in her throat.

_Nine years MIA and I didn’t shed a tear but barely a year back and I turn into a blubbering mess. And all because of Logan Echolls._

“Except you’re not,” Veronica sighs heavily, turning her face away from the camera. She catches Logan’s expression from her peripheral vision, his jaw clenching as he waits for her to continue, “Or at least, you can’t. You _can’t_ do anything to be with me right now. And you know what, knowing that _hurts_.”

Logan makes an injured sound but speaks when she turns back to look at him. “I’m going to have time to call on Christmas Eve, it won’t be that bad—” She sees his face fall as he looks at her and Veronica thinks she might have looked as gutted as he feels. Logan hangs his head like she’s kicked him, swallowing a pained sigh into his throat as his eyes close.

He apologizes again, “I’m sorry”, and this time Veronica doesn’t have the heart to be sympathetic to the situation. She’s too tired, too drained to make the effort and accept the unavoidable.

“Yeah,” she echoes, though she doesn’t mean it and ends the call. Her tears’ dropping one after another as the screen goes black. “Me too.”

 

* * *

 

> **From:** [lecholls@usnavy.gov](mailto:lecholls@usnavy.gov)  
>  **To:** [vmars@marsinvestigations.com](mailto:vmars@marsinvestigations.com)  
>  **Received:** December 23, 2016; 01:05 PST  
>  **Subject:** Veronica
> 
> ‘I waited for another 10 minutes to see if you’d come back but seeing as our time is almost up, I’ll assume you went to bed.’
> 
> _I meant to send an email after our last talk but decided against when I realized I wasn’t in any mood to pretend like you’re ending our call that night didn’t piss me off. I think I might have had to type that sentence about fifteen times before I finally logged off. The first two were sarcastic and cutting. Some after those lived up to my jackass days. A few were dramatic and apologetic. One of them was pleading, almost begging. All of them, I wrote with all the love in my heart._
> 
> _It’s always been difficult to be away from you, Veronica. Especially now that I have you back in my life. I’ve felt homesick more these past 8 and a half months than in the last decade we’ve been apart. I don’t want to be this far from you, but the Navy is just as a part of me as you are. You understand that, right?_
> 
> _I’ll call again on Christmas Eve around 9 at your time._
> 
> _I’ll be home soon, Veronica. To you. I promise. Hang in there a little while longer with me._
> 
> _I love you._
> 
> _\--L_

Veronica reads the email over breakfast, staring somberly at her phone as she re-reads the words over. She feels heartsick and if her father notices, Keith decides not to mention it.

“Your mother should be driving Hunter over here soon, right?” Keith asks, slipping carefully into a chair across from Veronica at the kitchen counter. He waits a beat, watching her as she meets his eyes, his expression neutral when she offers him a small smile and nod, “Are we going to show how the Mars family does Christmas?”

“You betcha, daddy-o,” Veronica salutes, widening her smile as she deposits her phone into her jeans, “We’re going to party like its 1999!”

“In 1999, you were 11 and still believed in Santa Claus. Does that mean I should bring out my Santa suit?”

Veronica pats him on the stomach, “Well you certainly have the belly for it, Mr. Claus.”

Keith shakes his head at her, slapping her hand away. “Them’s fighting words, Toots.”

“Please,” Veronica intones, rolling her eyes at him even as she starts to giggle at what she says next. “I wasn’t the one trying to climb to the roof last night and farting on the way, okay? I’m telling you, Dad, _Mefenamic acid_ is a mild analgesic. It’s not suppose—”

Keith has his hands over his ears when he stops her line of thought, his forehead touching the table as he shook his head from side to side, groaning in embarrassment. “Ah, cease and desist, my darling daughter!”

The phone rings just as Veronica starts poking him at his side and answers it at the fourth ring.

“Hello?”

“Veronica?” Hunter’s voice asks and the way he sounds over the phone line makes lines on her forehead appear.

“Hunter? Hey, buddy, what’s up?”

There’s a long pause after Veronica speaks and it takes everything in her not to text Mac and have her find _some way_ to track this phone call. But then Hunter speaks again, “Can you come get me?”

Alarms start to go off in her head. And God, she wishes she isn’t right to think that something is very, _very_ wrong.

“Yes, of course, but where’s _Li_ —Mom?”

“I’m inside of a diner, near last bus stop before Neptune. I know ‘cause I memorized how many Momand I have take before getting there. It’s a little hot in here but they have _really_ good pancakes—not like _chocolate chip_ ones _you_ made me that one time but still really good—and the lady lets me pick the songs on the jukebox! That’s my word for today, by the way.” Hunter prattles, not answering the question. Veronica’s patient for the most part, listening to the boy until he finally stops with nothing else to say.

So she tries again, her tone firm but friendly. “Where’s mom, Hunter?”

Hunter doesn’t speak for a few seconds and then, “I don’t know, Veronica. I don’t know.”

 

* * *

 

She rages down the road in Logan’s BMW the second the waitress at the diner Hunter is at tells her their exact address, sparing only a small but knowing glance at her father before she leaves.

Veronica arrives at the small eatery in record time, surprising the customers when she bursts through the door in a half-panic. “Hunter!” she calls, barely scanning the room until a pair of arms wrap around her hips and holds on tight. She drops to her knees immediately, hugging her half-brother tightly before pulling back to search his face. “You okay, bud?”

Hunter nods, smiling toothily though she sees a faintly frightened look in his eyes, as expected from a boy who was left alone for too long in a foreign place. He is dressed rather well for a six year old going to sleepover, in a little green button up and khakis pants. His hair is brushed neatly, parted at the side, and shiny. A ukulele hangs off of him by a strap at his right side—his Christmas instrument of choice, Veronica remembers him telling her days ago—and decorated with an assortment of superhero stickers Mac and Wallace had gifted him a few months ago. He looks a little less like her when he’s all tidied up like this, but is not in any way less cute and she tells him so with a smile even as she scans the room for their mother.

But if Veronica is right about Lianne, then she wouldn’t be anywhere near here at all. A better guess would be somewhere down the road, to one of the bars she drove past a few minutes ago; nursing a drink while her son sits in a crowded diner, waiting for her— _alone_.

And she is right about Lianne, at least partially. She isn’t here at all.

 _God damn it_ , Veronica thinks, trying to bury the sick feeling of disappointment churning in her gut as she stands. She takes Hunter’s hand and tugs it, “Hey, buddy. Where are your things?”

“Over there!” He points at a corner table, near the door and Veronica sees two sets of bags sitting on the floor. They walk over (she walks over, Hunter _skips_ ) and she realizes that one of the bags isn’t her half-brother’s.

_Hunter’s supposed to be the only staying over in Neptune. Why would she pack—_

“Mom said she was just going to the bathroom. But that was ages ago! And you said, _you said_ that if I’m alone in a strange place for more than five minutes, then I should call you to come ge—”

“You’re right, I did say to do that,” Veronica agrees lightly, distracted once Hunter starts chattering again, ruffling his hair and smiling down at him when he wrinkles his nose and swatting her hand away. “Mom probably went out for some air. It smells too greasy in here. I’d need some air too if I stayed here too long.”

Hunter sniffs and mockingly gags a little. “Eww!”

“Ex _act_ ly!”

She ruffles his hair one more time and reaches over to take the bags. Hunter insists on carrying his backpack, struggling for a second on how to get it on with his ukulele still hanging before following her out.

He jumps and cheers when he sees Logan’s car, exclaiming at how cool her car is just as they put the bags into the trunk. For a minute there she glosses over Lianne’s apparent absence and enjoys the innocent energy Hunter has. It’s almost infectious how he can be so carefree, tugging at her jeans when he manages to get his backpack into the compartment without help and looking so proud.

“Your car is so cool, Veronica!”

“It’s not mine, buddy! It’s my boyfriend’s.”

Hunter stops at that and stares at her wide-eyed and in genuine shock. “You have a boyfriend?”

“Yes, I do. His name is Logan.” she replies, crinkling her nose. “Wait. Why are you looking me like I’m lying? Aren’t I pretty enough to have one?”

“ _You are_ ,” her brother agrees, shrugging, “But that must mean your boyfriend’s even cooler.”

Veronica rolls her eyes but smiles engagingly at her half-brother as he skips around to peer into the window— _oohing_ and _ahhing_ in amazement and thinks of how great it would have been if Logan had been there to show the car off himself.

She reels back from the thought and the good mood she’d been putting on for Hunter immediately dies. She remembers the day before and Eli’s news. Their Skype date that night, Logan’s email after and now… _Lianne._

“Hunter! How about we drive around the block and see where Mom went, huh? She might gotten lost!” She suggests, affecting playfulness when she isn’t feeling it at all.

“Okay! Momma’s been a little weird lately too!” And that’s _not_ good but Hunter doesn’t seem to realize it yet and Veronica’s glad about that. “She _could_ have gotten lost!”

She lets Hunter hop into the back, buckles him in and hopes.

Veronica hopes to _God_ and every known deity that Lianne doesn’t disappoint this child too.

 

* * *

 

They find her five minutes into their search, sitting on a bench right across from a bar whose signe proclaims ‘ _Bottom’s Up!_ ’ on a fairly beat-up flashing LED sign. The name itself sounds cheesy and cheap but Veronica isn’t surprised to see her mother stare wistfully from her seat, her fingers trembling like the addict she still is.

_Don’t go down that road, Veronica. She’s been sober for years. The past couple of months have just been difficult. You know that._

And she does. After all, she is the one who convinced the court that she had nothing to do with her ex-husband’s crimes.

“Momma!” Hunter yells the second she lets him out, jumping into Lianne’s lap. Veronica deliberately parked in front of her, cutting off her spectacular view of the bar across the street. “Where were you? Did you leave the diner because it smelled like bacon?”

Veronica watches as Lianne smiles and shrugs, hugging her son close. “ _May_ be,” she sing-songs, avoiding looking at Veronica as she walks around the car and towards them. “You called Veronica like she told you too! Very smart!”

“She said to call her after five minutes so I did when the long hand went to five!” Hunter explains, pointing at his Batman watch. A gift from Veronica that Logan had picked out.

Veronica’s smile is weak when she sits down next to them, hands folded in her lap. She doesn’t speak; just watches as mother and son chat as though the former hadn’t left her six year old child alone in a strange place. It’s a little disconcerting how easily Hunter shrugs Lianne’s disappearance off, but then she figures that is the beauty of youth. Nothing bad ever seems _so bad_ when you’re that young.

She doesn’t notice that Hunter becomes silent minutes later, and when Veronica finally does, Lianne is cradling him and staring straight into her eyes. Lianne’s eyes start to water and before long the tears come unbidden down her cheeks.

“M-mom!”

Lianne shakes her head, wiping a hand over her face before pulling Hunter just a bit closer.

“I think I need help, Veronica.” She whispers, pressing a kiss on her little boy’s forehead. “I need help _again_.”

 _This._ This is what takes her by surprise, and for once Veronica is all for it.

She lets out a choked laugh, nodding her head as she takes her mother’s hand in hers.

“Okay.”

 

* * *

 

It takes Veronica until late in the afternoon that day to drive her and Hunter back to Neptune after dropping Lianne off at the rehab center and mother and son kissed and hugged each other good bye.

Veronica had hung back from the scene they made, unsure of what to make of her role in their family when her disappointment of Lianne and how she abandoned her still stings in her chest. It might have been envy, Veronica muses while she drives through the bridge with her half-brother sleeping on the back seat, _because Lianne actually seems to want to come back for Hunter._

“But not for me,” Veronica murmurs bitterly and wishes she could stop feeling like a child when Lianne is involved. _A degree in Psychology didn’t do much on my Mommy issues, I guess._

Hunter wakes up just as she pulls into her father’s driveway. She sees Keith standing on the doorway, waving at them as Logan’s car rolls into a stop.

“Veronica? Are we there yet?”

Veronica wills her thoughts to clear of Lianne and turns to face her brother’s little cherub face.

“Yeah, buddy. Let’s go in and say to my dad.”

 

* * *

 

Lianne’s room is so blindingly white, it takes Veronica a few dozen blinks before her eyes gets used to it.

Keith had agreed to watch Hunter for the day after Veronica tells him about checking Lianne into a rehab center the day before. He hadn’t asked any other questions; just nodded his head once and playfully nudged Hunter to Veronica’s room to change. They had Mama Leone’s for dinner that night and the night ended with her feeling more hope for their family unit, Hunter and _Lianne_ than she is used to.

The next day, Keith woke them up with fluffy pancakes and bacon and enticed Hunter with a game of catch and ice cream for lunch. He gave her a knowing look and a light kiss on the head before zooming off for some fun in the sun, leaving her to go about her plans until her date with Logan that night.

 _Catch and ice cream._ Veronica remembers that little combo as the go-to Mars’ Christmas Eve Day activity. And when she calls and manages to speak to Lianne about visiting her today, telling her about Keith’s plan to stuff Hunter with mint chocolate chip and a love for the Padres team, she knows her mother remembers it too.

“This place feels a little too sterile.” Veronica asks once Lianne comes out of the bathroom. She waves her hands about the room, raising an eyebrow when her mother smirks at her from her seat on the bed, “Are you sure this is a rehab center and not a mental institution? I mean… _all the white_.”

“You get used to it. We’re allowed to tape up pictures and I have a lot Hunter’s drawings packed in my bag so…”

Lianne’s dressed in white (blouse, sweats, _even the slippers were white_ ) as well, a white band decorating her left hand for identification. The rehab center Lianne had insisted is further up north that she’d expected, but had taken them in without question once they stepped into the building the day before.

Veronica knows Lianne must have history there but she doesn’t feel inclined to ask. It’s a new one for her, but Veronica figures that since she’s in it for the long haul—staying in Neptune indefinitely, taking down Dan Lamb and his corrupt department, Logan—then she’ll need to start really pushing through with her New Year’s Resolutions.

 _Number 1 on the list is ‘Forgive your mother’._ Veronica thinks blandly, taking a seat by the bed and facing the window right in front of them. _Number 1 on the list… like it has been every year since High School._

She turns a little and sees Lianne smiling at her on the bed and Veronica realizes that this is the longest she and her mother have spent together in almost two decades.

Lianne murmurs, sighing wistfully, “This feels nice.”

Veronica doesn’t respond but a little smile edges into her lips.

_This does feel nice._

 

* * *

 

Lianne breaks the silence minutes later, “So how are you and Logan?”

“Good,” Veronica says but even she knows it sounds a lot weaker than it should be. She starts to wonder vaguely why people—Eli at least, and now Lianne—were suddenly invested in her and Logan’s relationship but pushes the thought away for now.

She repeats herself, working up a stronger tone. “We’re good.”

An eyebrow is raised, and Veronica tries not to grumble in protest when Lianne asks, “Really?”

“Yes.” She hisses but then backs down, thinking back on everything that had happened in the last two days and thinks _God, what is wrong with me?_

Veronica has tried not to think about it since Keith had asked and for a minute she thought she had, but thoughts of Logan is always in the back of her head. A side-effect probably, from the times in the last nine years she’s repressed his memory, only to be reminded of everything the instant she heard his voice on the phone all those months ago.

She has no clue what’s making Lianne ask her about him now, when she hasn’t been her mother in years, but Veronica can’t deny the ache of needing that motherly comfort still. She thinks she might have to reevaluate her soft spots because it’s starting to seem like Lianne Reynolds still has a place in it.

“I don’t know. He’s supposed to call tonight but I’m not sure I want to talk to him yet. Our last call didn’t really end well and when it’s quiet like that it’s never good.” Veronica whispers finally, pressing her lips into a thin line.

She’s revealing more of her weak points in Lianne’s presence than she has with anyone else besides Logan. Maybe it’s because it’s Christmas and the holiday has always inspired memories of happier days even during the toughest of times. Maybe it is because she’s finally heard her mother admit her own weakness by staying and asking for help; for Veronica’s help specifically. Or maybe even because she misses Logan so much that she can’t pretend to put a mask on it anymore and her mother is there, curious and willing to listen. A stark contrast from the way everyone else (her father, Eli, Wallace, Mac, the list goes on) has asked about him these past few months. She thinks it might be going too far but finds she can’t pull up the walls around her heart.

Veronica bites into the inside of her cheek as she recalls the last lines of Logan’s email ( _I’ll be home soon, Veronica. To you. I promise. Hang in there a little while longer with me. I love you._ ) and wonders why she feels so… defeated.

“I care about hi—” She stops and shakes her head, biting the end of one of her thumbs as she corrects herself, “I _love_ him but this separation is—”

“You miss him.”

A tear finds its way down Veronica’s cheek before she even realizes it, and she swipes it away.

“Yeah.”

“You know, I met your Dad over at _Beb Ruth’s_. That was the diner we were just at, Hunter and I.”

Veronica blinks at the sudden change of topic and narrows her eyes at her mother. She sniffles even as she asks, “I thought you and Dad met in Portland? When he was visiting a friend?”

Lianne drops her eyes into her hands and smiles as she recalls telling a six year old Veronica the easy and sweet version of her and Keith’s first meeting but shakes her head seconds later, “No. That was the tootsie roll version. The real story is that I was twenty then, about to be in my third year and was thinking about dropping out of San Diego State. A few of my friends and I decided to go to Sacramento for break and for a week and half there all we did was go out and get roaring drunk… until things got really rough.”

She lets out a dry chuckle. “You should also know that I was going through a break-up then. At least, it was for me. Jake was—” Veronica tries not to vomit at the mention of the Kane patriarch. “He stopped answering my emails and that week I’d just found out that he started wooing Celeste and well…”

“Things got _rough_.” Veronica emphasizes the last word with a grimace. “Should I be hearing this? Because I’m thinking I prefer the sugarcoated version.”

“I want you to hear it, and I swear it will make sense when I finish,” Lianne insists, pleading with her eyes that Veronica couldn’t find the strength to argue. “Keith was a deputy in Sacramento back then, but you know that, and when my friends abandoned me after a rumble, he was the one who found me. He took me to the diner, sat me down and fed me eggs and water until I was sober. We talked all until morning, about everything under the sun and I remember thinking that... there were still good guys in the world. He and I went out a few times until Jake suddenly came back in town to visit and…”

She didn’t need to continue for Veronica to know what had happened next. She expects it to sting less, knowing how much power Jake Kane had over her mother but the sharp pain is still there. She doesn’t think she’ll ever forgive the pain and uncertainty the Kane name brought to her life. Lilly and Duncan aside.

“Anyway, after Jake left again and I broke your father’s heart that first time, I realized that I could have better than Neptune has to offer, you know? I dropped out of SDSU the minute the semester was over and transferred to Portland.”

Veronica is silent throughout the recollection, taking all of the words in. She isn’t sure what she feels about this story of her parents’ meeting but it certainly makes a little more sense. The drinking was a problem even before Lilly. Before her, or her father. It was always just there.

 _Huh._ “Okay. But what does that have to do with me and Logan?”

Lianne shrugs and reaches over for one of Veronica’s hands. Her palm is warm over Veronica’s, and when her mother squeezes her fingers around it, she echoes the gesture right back.

“It took me almost a year before I plucked up the courage to call Balboa County’s Sheriff’s office and ask for Keith Mars. It took me at least another five calls before I could actually speak to him without hanging up when his voice came on the line.”

Lianne fixes her motionless with an imploring look, “I asked him to come get me. Because even though I left initially because Jake Kane broke my heart, I couldn’t stop missing the man who never failed to make me feel safe. The man who made me feel like I was much a part of him as Neptune was our home. I screwed up later, obviously, but I’ll never regret the years I spent with you and your father because you are exactly right where you belong.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is… it doesn’t matter where life takes the two as long as you both know its home. You’re allowed to be afraid of what happens next. You’re allowed to fight and scream and make mistakes. You’re allowed to feel like you’ve lost control. You’re allowed to feel all of these things, just as long as you feel all of them together. You love Logan, and I’m pretty sure that he feels the same way about you in return. He’d be stupid not to and you’re a very smart girl. You’re home to one another even without realizing it. So whatever happens after your talk with him tonight, I know you’ll find a way to make it right.”

Veronica stares down at their joined hands and mulls over her mother’s words.

“Home is where the heart is.” Veronica says after a long while, smiling a little and Lianne laughs joyously in response.

“When you put it like that it’s cheesy but—”

Veronica shakes her head, “No, it’s—it’s cheesy but it makes sense. Home is where the person you love is at. Corny but poignant in a way—fits right into the Christmas theme. I support it.”

“Even if Neptune sits on a Hellmouth? Don’t forget you made me watch that Buffy girl too!”

Veronica’s grin widens as Lianne pushes her playfully to the side. “Good job with the use of an appropriate pop-culture reference, _Mom_. Bravo.”

They share a smile; Veronica Mars and her mother, Lianne Reynolds, share a smile. _Our very own Christmas miracle_.

 “I want Hunter to think of Neptune has home too.” Lianne tells her a little later, squeezing their hands together again. The sky outside of the window slowly fading into a mix of pink and dark blues now that the sun is setting; Veronica would have to go soon. “I’m not strong enough but you are. And I’m willing to bet Logan is too. Just because it hurts to miss him so much doesn’t mean that it won’t work in the long run. Just because everyone else doubts it, doesn’t mean you have too.”

“I don’t… doubt it, I mean.” Veronica says and she means it, _of course she does_. “I need him so much because I love him. And I’m still getting used to that part; needing him so much.”

“You’ll work it out.”

Veronica nods, laughing despite herself. “You bet we will. I’m not going to let another nine years pass before the next round.”

 

* * *

 

It’s past ten when Veronica gets back to her father’s house and dashes inside to boot her laptop on. Keith and Hunter following behind her minutes later, wearing matching Santa hats and sporting confused expressions as they watch Veronica impatiently plug and tap her dead phone on while her laptop screen opens.

Her father and half-brother arrived at the rehab center just as she was heading out, declaring a short but spontaneous Christmas party for Lianne to welcome Christmas Day. Veronica had laughed loudly at their matching looks, and teased her father at how sneaky it was for him to get out of wearing his Santa suit by allowing Hunter to wearing the hat with the white beard. They had celebrated in Lianne’s room, sharing juice in sparkling water, grilled cheese sandwiches (courtesy of Hunter) and a simple chicken and vegetable salad that had been her mother’s favorite during her marriage with Keith until none was left and Lianne was crying happy tears.

Veronica had hugged her mother tighter today than ever before and it was good. A great step in keeping Veronica’s resolution Number 1.

They left the rehab center halfway past nine o’clock, with Veronica leading the way in Logan’s BMW the second she realized the time.

“Dad, I’m going to have to slightly break the speed limit here. I’m late!” She had told her father over the phone, stepping on the gas bit by bit once on the highway and cutting the call off before he could reply.

 _No, no, come on, please still be online,_ Veronica prays, clicking on the Skype application even while she busies herself typing out a frantic email on her phone.

 

> **From:** [vmars@marsinvestigations.com](mailto:vmars@marsinvestigations.com)  
>  **To:**[lecholls@usnavy.gov](mailto:lecholls@usnavy.gov)  
>  **Sent:** December 24, 2016; 22:25 PST  
>  **Subject:** I’M HERE
> 
> _Things happened these past two days and I want to tell you all about them. Please still be here._
> 
> _I love you._
> 
> _-V_

The application finally connects—

But no Logan.

“Shit.” Veronica groans, her face falling as she leans into the screen. Logan’s name isn’t highlighted, indicating that he is indeed offline and that she’s missed her chance.

“Something wrong, honey?” Keith asks from behind her. She can feel Hunter close by as well, but doesn’t say anything. Instead she straightens and puts on a small smile.

“I just… missed Logan’s call is all.” Veronica tells her father honestly, ruffling Hunter’s hair with her hand when she faces them. She knows her smile is a little off, from the way Keith’s brow wrinkles in concern and the fact that her brother isn’t stopping her from messing up his hair but she keeps it on nonetheless, powering through.

She’ll have a good cry a little later. It is Christmas after all; she’s allowed to feel generous this time of the year. And generous she will be with her tears—

“Veronica, your computer’s ringing!”

“Oh my God!” Veronica shrieks, clicking the ‘Accept Call’ button so fast, Logan caught the end of her exclamation. His expression is surprised to say the least to see three faces staring back at him, but he isn’t as concerned about as he is about seeing her tear-stained face.

“Veronica, baby… why are you crying?”

She laughs, wiping at her cheeks. She settles down into the chair Keith pulls out for her, tucking her hair back behind her ear. “Nothing. I just… this is my brother Hunter, by the way.” She says, bringing Hunter closer to the screen. “Say hello, Lieutenant.”

Logan obeys without question, adding a wave alongside a grin. “Hi, Hunter. I’m Logan.”

Veronica ruffles Hunter’s hair as her brother waves back and smiles, brighter this time that it reaches her eyes. “See, I told you I had a boyfriend.”

Hunter frowns playfully, “I didn’t say you didn’t _have_ a boyfriend, Veronica. I just thought that if someone _is_ your boyfriend, he _must be cool_.”

“I am very cool, Hunter. Don’t worry.” Logan tells him, laughing when Veronica sticks her tongue out at him. His chuckles taper off once their eyes lock, the mood going somber the second her eyes soften and his mirrors the expression.

Veronica knows Keith notices, because he tugs Hunter back and shoos him off into getting ready for bed before turning back to put a hand on her shoulder. She glances at her father but all he does is roll his eyes and talks to the screen, “She misses you, Logan. So you better get your ass back here soon.”

And if Logan is at all threatened by the underlying warning threaded into Keith’s tone, he doesn’t show it. Instead he smiles warmly, nodding his head in affirmative.

“Yes, sir.”

Once they’re sure that Keith had to his bedroom, Veronica speaks, “How long do you have?”

“Buttons let me have his turn along with mine when I got your email; said I needed more than he did since he got to speak with his wife in the afternoon.” Logan ducks his head shyly, looking at her from underneath his lashes, “And we’re docked for the night so I’ve got about an hour if you’re feeling frisky.”

“Good,” she breathes, ignoring his little tease (there would be time for that, just not at this moment) as relief floods through her system, “because I have a lot to tell you but first, I’m…”

“You don’t have to apologize, Veronica.”

“Logan, don’t let me off the hook, okay?” Veronica rebukes him, biting her lip, “I acted like a child the other night and I didn’t mean to but it’s tough. Being away from you like this is tough.

And I know it’s not going to get any easier. But I need you to know that I’m sorry and that I’m trying… to get used to wanting and needing so much when you’re away that I can’t breathe sometimes. Or say the right thing. It will _never_ be easy. Hell, we’ll probably get into the same fight again on your next deployment but at least you know that I need you, right?”

Logan’s head is down while she speaks, drinking her words in and looking up only when she finishes; her tone much softer at the last few words to the end. Even across an ocean and a screen away, Veronica feels his eyes lock with hers and for a moment they breathe each other in.

“The feeling’s mutual, Bobcat. But you already knew that.” He says, staring at her, and she knows just by looking at him that he feels the same warm, tingling in his bones, “Us being Epic and all.”

“Yeah.” Veronica smiles, waits a beat and then, “I love you, Logan. Come home soon.”

“In a week, baby. I promise.”

She shakes her head, “No, I mean. Come home _to me_. _Live with me_.”

The connection sucks but even that doesn’t stop either of them from smiling.

“I will.”

 

 


End file.
